Shame

I'm 38 and I don't feel a day over 76!

A couple of weeks ago, we received a message from someone wanting a size chart for our wide band leggings.  So, I went on as I always do: One size fits sizes 2-12, curvy sizes 14-22, and 3X/4X sizes 22-24.

I went on to say I was a size 14 and although I could fit into the one size, I felt most comfortable in curvy.  Her response to me was, “Thanks, but I’m not fat.”

“I’m not fat.” 

I heard her say “I’m not fat like you.”  “I can control myself. I’m not gross like YOU.”

I wonder if she ever put herself in my shoes - does she know the embarrassment, the shame, the anger I’ve had with my weight over the years?  The body struggles I’ve had since I was 17? Does she know how it feels to be lonely and the only thing that made me feel good (even for a fleeting moment) was that beer, or brownie, or breadstick?  Does she realize how awful life felt when my husband had surgery as a consequence of cancer (he's healthy now!), how I played the roles of wife, mom, business owners, caretaker, boss, chef, role model, cheerleader when it took every ounce of my being not to crawl into my bed and cry and cry?  How providing my family with homemade food was the most powerful form of love I knew how to control? Did she have a boyfriend in college who told her how fat and disgusting she was, and remind her he said these things because he loved her?

Why do we allow strangers dictate our feelings?  Keyboard warriors appear strong, but we all know those with the harshest opinions have deep feelings just like the rest of us.  

I replied by saying we will not accept body shaming of any kind, and I apologized for my shop not being a good fit for her.  Needless to say, she never ordered. I hope you know when you shop with us, we are NEVER judging your body! It’s taken me a very long time, some therapy, and some more therapy to realize my body issues are within my own mind.. Which also gives us the power to let go of them.  Who benefits by us hating ourselves?? NOBODY!  

Please girlfriend, the next time you look at yourself in the mirror, notice the beauty you are.  Those stretch marks on my belly (and legs.. And probably other places where I can’t see very well) are reminders of when my babies were the best behaved (hardy har har!).  I can begin to see slight muscle definition on my shoulders which makes me proud of my daily exercise routine. My toes.. Hmm.. well I think I need to give some love to them.. Maybe a fresh shave and a paint job.  (Don’t lie.. You have hairy toes too!!!! Right?? RIGHT??! No?? Yeah me either 🥴) Do I LOVE my body..?? Not always.. But I sure like her a lot more than I used to. I hope you find some things to love about your body too.